I wear the Mask

by Liewe

...

The first time I saw them together was at a cafe. They were chatting over cups of coffee, a sense of peace surrounding them. I almost went over to them, but they were holding hands.

I left the cafe, and then the colony without ever contacting him.

The next time I saw him again was at a circus. My best friend dragged me to see the knife throwing act, and the lions. I love lions. I didn't stay to watch the show. When I saw him, he was strapped to a board, and being used as a target.

My best friend hasn't forgiven me, yet.

I was glad when the circus left town. It meant I didn't have to run away again.

And now, I've seen him again.

The company I work for, they transferred me. One of the other branches was in trouble. They needed my expertise.

I've been here three months, and finally things are running smoothly again.

We've been working on a deal with the Winner Corporation.

He's been acting as a bodyguard for Quatre Winner.

I don't think he recognized me.

I'm not the same person I was a decade ago. I've changed, and I've grown.

I keep my hair short, and my eyes, they're different. Their true nature hidden behind colored lenses.

I run and hide. I wear a mask. Always.

I'm terrified that he'll recognize me. The courage I had when I first saw him again. It's left me. It always leaves me.

I don't know what to say to him.

Should I apologize? Should I explain myself?

Would he believe me? Or will he kill me?

The questions run through my mind over and over again.

I can't sleep anymore. My colleagues are beginning to question me.

I have dark bags under my eyes. My skin is pasty. My hair limp.

I doze during meetings. I pick at my food.

After all these years he still has power over me.

I still love him.

But I hardly know him?

I wish something would make sense, but nothing does. Nothing in my life ever has.

The war. The pain. The betrayal.

Words, and actions that shall always haunt me.

Winner is trying to befriend me, and I'm letting him.

I torture myself.

I'm close to him, to Nanashi, but he doesn't remember me.

I'm not Midii Une anymore. But Madeline Valois.

My husband, dead, and six feet under.

They don't know I'm a widow. Hardly anyone does.

The barriers erected so long ago, are threatening to crumble.

For the first time in years I want to tell someone about my past. About my true identity, and the pain. But I can't.

They're only friends, acquaintances.

They can never be anything more. If they knew the truth they'd toss me to the wolves. My only family did.

Why would they be any different?

I must content myself to watch from afar.

Nanashi is happy. And untouchable.

He and Winner... they love each other.

There's no room for me.

I can't stay.

But I can't leave.

It's so painful. I have no idea how to ease this pain. I wonder if it'll ever lessen.

I doubt it.

But I can't ruin his happiness.

I can live with the pain if he's happy.

I can keep the mask, if he's happy.

He's the only thing that matters.

I am only a spy.

And he is so much more.