A Gundam Wing Love Story

by Maria Rocket

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(Author's Notes: This is insanity fic...so beware! ^^; It should be noted that this is not intended to bash any characters, pairings, stories, authors, religious groups, or anything else that comes to mind. It's just pure sillyness. ^^; It's just what happened when I decided to spoof Gundam Wing romance stories (which I happen to love ^_^). Be warned, there's just about every sort of pairing within, at least those which I've found *somewhat* common in the fandom. This includes both yaoi and non-yaoi...and things are insane. Repeat, this story is not to be taken seriously in any manner. ^^;;; Abandon all hope, ye who read on! ^_^; )

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It's the year A.C. 90210. Or something like that. And love is in the air! The Eve Wars were over, and Quatre Raberba Winner was throwing a big Valentines Day party on the Earth to celebrate! It wasn't really Valentines Day, but he decided to make that the theme on Relena's suggestion. Everyone involved in the war was invited, even Treize, who came back to life somehow just so he could go.

Walking into the party hall, Heero looked around for Relena. Spotting a nearby teddybear shrine, he headed over. There, he found Relena worshipping before her beloved teddy bear, and a carefully taped up piece of paper with his handwriting on it. The paper read: 'Relena, I love you. Hope you don't mind, I had no money, so I stole this stuffed toy from inside Sandrock while Quatre was asleep. Don't tell.' Over the entire shrine was a giant picture of Heero reclining in a thong, from the time he posed for Gundam Pilots Illustrated. Suddenly he turned bright red, and fled the scene, too embarressed to confront Relena.

He ran outside to find Duo crying in Quatre's garden. Heero stopped and stared at him coldly. He loved the braided pilot, but could never tell him for the same reason he could never tell Relena. He was terrified his laptop would find out and leave him. Fate was cruel, placing him in such a web of sorrow and heartbreak!

"What's wrong, Duo?" Heero asked in a monotone.

Duo looked up at him with huge watery violet eyes, wringing his braid. "Life sucks!"

Heero closed his eyes and nodded. "Yeah."

"Want to become lovers and abuse each other?"

"Sure." Heero replied, sounding very bored. Then he jumped Duo, and they went flying into the bushes. Clothing went scattering out of it.

Passing by, Wufei was hit by Duo's flying underwear, and freaked out. He ran off running, and ended up smacking into Sally Po. "Sally! Help me! I'm being victimized in another yaoi fic!!!"

Sally sighed. "This isn't a yaoi fic."

"What!??" Wufei bug-eyed at her and pointed back towards the shaking bush in the background. "Then what the hell is that, woman!??"

"That is insanity fic. Now come on and dance with me!" Sally dragged the still hysterical Wufei towards the dance floor.

Out on the same dance floor, Quatre was standing in a corner, smiling at all the people. Being very rich, he was used to all the people who'd come and and kiss up to him. He just smiled, until he noticed Dorothy on the other side of the dance floor staring psychotically at him. Blinking, Quatre was confused at first. For a few minutes, he ignored her, then looking back, he saw she was still staring at him, though people were talking to her. They didn't seem to notice.

With a sigh, Quatre walked across the dance floor. When he got there, she pretended not to notice him. Quatre sighed again. "Dorothy, why do you keep staring at me?"

"Because! I hate you! You're a peace loving twit, and I'm planning to belittle you every opportunity I get!" Suddenly, she turned around, putting her back to him, and pulled out a fencing foil with a picture of Quatre taped to it. Her eyes got huge and starry. "But I love you! I want to have your children, Quatre! All two-hundred and ninety-nine of them!!!" She squealed, causing everyone around her to stare and back away slightly. Then she whipped it away and turned around to glare at Quatre. "Damn you! Die!" Then she dipped him in a passionate kiss.

Quatre's eyes bugged out, and he got a goofy grin on his face. Then Dorothy dropped him with a curse and stormed off. Quatre was left twitching on the floor. People made sure to walk carefully around him. Most of them anyway.

Meanwhile, Duo and Heero had moved up to a bedroom in Quatre's mansion. Duo was still lying on the bed, while Heero was sitting at a desk on his laptop. The braided boy came out of his giddy little state of pleasure at the sound of Heero making strange cooing sounds. With a confused frown, Duo glanced up at the desk. Heero was whispering sweet nothings to the screen again.

"Hey! Come back to bed, Heero!" Duo pouted.

"No." Heero hugged his laptop.

"Wah! You only cuddle me when your laptop is out of batteries!" Duo wailed. "Life sucks!" With that, he pulled out a gun and shot himself in the head.

Heero rolled his eyes. "Hn." Then he walked out of the room and headed back down to the party.

As soon as he left, Duo popped back to life and glared after him. "Damn. Relena is evil. Or something like that..." He rubbed the back of his head, now perfectly fine, then got dressed. "I wonder if Quatre is available this week..."

Meanwhile, back on the dance floor, Trowa had seen Dorothy and Quatre kissing. He put his hands to his head and screamed dramatically. Well, as dramatically as he could without opening his mouth, or making actual sound. 'NOOOOO!!!!' He cried in his thoughts. 'Without my little one, life isn't worth living!' Then he ran out, jumped in Heavyarms, and self-destructed.

Back at the dance floor, Quatre felt Trowa die, and broke down sobbing. "My one true love!!!" Then he noticed Dorothy walk by with a cup of tea. His eyes suddenly lit up. "Oooh! Earl Grey!" And he ran after the tea.

Back where Trowa lay smoking in Heavyarms's rubble, a figure made his way through until he reached the banged one. He prodded at Trowa with a stick. With an unamused look, the pilot opened his one green eye. Somehow, he had lived. After all, he needed to be able to do this again, the next deathfic.

"Hey...this mean you're available now, Trowa?" Duo asked hopefully.

"Go away. I'm dead." Trowa grumbled.

"Drat. I'll go ask Wufei." Duo trotted off.

Back at the dance floor, Heero was stalking Relena, always staying out of her view. He watched as a line of men made a congaline behind her, no matter where she moved. She was shrieking hysterically. When Duo came wandering in, he grinned at the long line of apparently available guys. Then he noticed Relena, wearing her ponytail hairdo. He shrugged. "Close enough."

Duo picked up Relena and kicked the first guy in line behind her. The entire congaline of guys fell over like dominoes. Then Duo kissed Relena's hand and guided her to dance. Relena giggled, deciding he looked enough like Heero to pass. They danced around, while Heero deathglared at Duo.

Duo gazed deep into Relena's eyes. "I love you princess. I know you've always loved Heero, but surely you've come to realize that he's an antisocial psychopath who will never love you right. I, on the other hand, am a social psychopath, who looks gorgeous, and smells a whole lot better."

Relena's eyes sparkled. "I know now, Duo. I have always loved you!"

For some reason, rainbowy soap bubbles floated up around them, and Duo and Relena kissed. It was beautiful. Her hands went around his head, clutching his braid. Duo's hands went around her, clutching her... uh, well, it was beautiful.

No one noticed Heero pull out a handgun in his anger at the sight, and shoot Dorothy dead. Quatre screamed. "NOOOO!!!" Then Dorothy came back to life and slugged the blonde boy before stomping off again.

"She's so...kind..." Quatre croaked with smile. Then he fell unconscious to the floor again.

Meanwhile, Sally and Wufei were dancing. Or at least attempting to.

"This dance is weak!" Wufei growled.

"That's cool." Sally smirked.

"No it isn't! You weak woman!" Wufei snapped at her. "Everything is weak! The world is weak! I'm weak!"

"Cool."

Wufei pouted. "Life sucks!"

Then they began kissing wildly. 'Wow,' Wufei thought to himself. 'Duo was right, that line really does work... And all this time, I thought women loved being told they were weak! From now on, it's Life Sucks and Injustice!'

Suddenly, the roof lifted and a gundam glared down at the screaming people. Wufei gaped in terror. "No! Nataku! I wasn't cheating on you, I swear!"

Then the gundam pointed its dragon at Wufei and burnt him to a crisp. However, Wufei was still alive, just completely cindered. He fell to his knees. "Nataku, you know I love only you!!"

Sally waved a fist at the giant mecha. "He's mine! MINE!"

Then the ghost of a chinese girl came jumping out of the gundam. "No way! He's my man! You weak swirly cone hair woman!"

Wufei blinked. "Meiran!?"

Then Sally and Meiran got into a huge catfight. While they were doing so, Wufei's eyes rolled back in his head in shock and he passed out. While the two girls were busy fighting, the gundam scooped up Wufei and flew away. The roof fell back down again.

Across the dance hall, Quatre walked over to Dorothy and asked her to dance. He was grinning like an idiot.

Dorothy scowled at him. "Okay, but it's not because I'm desperately in love with you. I want to corrupt you, and bring you to the dark side of war!!!"

"Oooh... We need to talk about your problems, Dorothy," Quatre smiled sweetly, taking her in his arms. They began to dance slowly across the floor. "I've been taking some courses in psychology, and I think I can help you. Tell me about your father."

With a very very very deep breath, Dorothy began her speech about how much Quatre was like her father and how much she hated him. All the while, the blonde just nodded happily, while discretely slipping his hands up the back of her blouse. His innocent baby blue eyes widened as he realized he might have a chance to finally score with an actual girl later that night.

Keeping his eyes away from Quatre and Dorothy, Trowa sat next to Heero. Heero, who was making violent, obscene gestures towards Duo, who was too busy making out with Relena to care. Trowa's head fell on the table with a thud. He glanced over at Heero.

"No, I don't want to be your lover this week," Heero snarled at Trowa's unspoken question, and pulled out a bazooka. He aimed it towards Duo. It went off, but missed Duo by a mile. Instead it hit one of those OZ soldier extras, this one happened to sound a lot like Quatre, and everyone started laughing as he began to curse like a sailor.

While Heero fished around for more ammo, Trowa got up and headed for Duo and Relena. When he reached them, he pushed Duo out of the way and took Relena in his arms. Trowa smiled at her, and Relena giggled. Duo just groaned as they danced over his fallen body.

"My hero!" Relena batted her eyelashes at him.

"That's me!!!" Heero howled from his table. However, no one seemed to hear him, so he ripped the pin out of a handgrenade with his teeth, a wild gleam in his eyes. He threw it over to the snack table, sending chips and dip flying over everyone in a huge explosion. Again, no one seemed to notice.

"Gosh Trowa," Relena blushed. "I never noticed how tall and handsome you are...why didn't you ever tell me your feelings for me before?"

"...."

"You'll protect me better than Heero ever did, won't you?"

"...."

"Oh Trowaaa..." Relena sighed and rested her head on his chest.

Then the room around them got really dark for some reason. Trowa's green eye gazed down at Relena seductively, and he tilted her chin up towards him. Then he bent down and kissed her deeply. 'You've never known love until you've been loved by a circus clown, Relena,' he thought to himself in a suave manner.

Meanwhile, Noin grabbed Zechs' mask and threw it at the overhead light,and the smack made the lights come back on. Sitting next to her at their table, Milliardo pouted. "Damn, did you have to get rid of my mask? Now I'll have to go by my dorky name!"

"Ah, but you're so much more beautiful with it off, my dear Milliardo," Treize smiled over at him, sniffing at a rose. Uh, remember, he came back to life. Zechs just blinked in confusion.

Noin snarled at Treize. "He's mine! Stay back, roseboy!" (No one noticed a boy with blue hair wearing a strange white uniform with a red 'R' on it pop up, steal Treize's rose and sneak away. 'Hehehe...') Noin gestured over to her huge Zechs shrine, complete with every picture of Zechs ever taken, a lock of his hair, his underwear, every letter he'd ever sent her, and various other Zechsy items. "See! I'm devoted to him! No matter how insane he becomes, I'll always stay by his side!"

"Ah," Treize nodded. "Much how my dear Aunt Margaret was fiercely loyal to my Uncle Davis. He insisted on wearing nothing but leaf skirts and on taking his Pokemon faith to the streets, hoping to sway the people. His wife loved him dearly, and no matter what he did or what he ate, she always remained with him. It's human nature to act irrationally, like a fly drawn to a bug zapper. The pull to--"

"SHUT UP!!!" Noin screamed.

"Ahem. Basically, you're nuts." Treize finished elegantly.

"I love Zechs!" Noin started laughing insanely. She was wearing a t-shirt that read 'I'll destroy the Earth for love!'

Milliardo just sat between them, looking very clueless. He was busy hugging his bottle of Herbal Essenses shampoo.

When Noin looked away for a moment, Treize slowly edged nearer to Zechs. But then an angry growl came from his left. Looking over, he saw Lady Une glaring at him.

"Uh...don't worry, Lady. He may have two different identities, but he'll never compete with your two personalities!" Treize smiled and caressed her cheek.

Lady Une started giggling in two different voices.

On the dance floor, Dorothy and Quatre were dancing, pressed against each other. Quatre had long since finished his psychological diagnosis, and had prescribed medication for Dorothy. He stroked her long shimmering blonde hair with a wistful smile. 'Damn, she's hot,' he thought to himself. Then he heard her snoring. He blinked, realizing she'd fallen asleep on him.

"Uh...Dorothy? You okay?" He shook her gently.

With a snort, Dorothy woke up. She wiped the drool from her mouth, hoping he wouldn't notice the stain on his sleeve. She looked at Quatre. "No. I hate you, and I want to strip you down and make hot passionate love to you right here." She glared at him. "Life sucks."

"Yeah, being rich and gorgeous is a real pain." Quatre leaned in and kissed her tenderly. An entire orchestra materialized behind them and began playing a romantic ballad. It was the most beautiful thing. They were completely oblivious to all the people still dancing around them and giving wolf whistles and cat calls.

Meanwhile, Heero was busy aiming a rifle at Trowa. Then suddenly, a mysterious blonde girl ran up and kicked him in the face, causing him to drop the rifle and fall to the floor. He looked up at her and gasped. Then he jumped out and wrapped his arms around her legs pathetically.

"Sylvia Noventa! Kill me! Marry me! Or at least make love to me?"

Shaking with rage, the girl kicked Heero off. "I'm not Sylvia!!! I'm Midii Une!" She picked up Heero's rifle and aimed it back towards Trowa. "And No Name is mine!!!"

"No way!" Catherine suddenly jumped over and grabbed the rifle. "Trowa's mine, you hussy!"

Midii Une made a disgusted face. "You freak! He's your brother!"

"What!?!?" Catherine swore. "I hate Episode Zero! Life sucks!" She threw down the rifle and stalked off.

"BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!!!" Midii picked up the rifle and shot Trowa repeatedly with it.

Relena screamed as Trowa collapsed to the floor. His bang was still twitching as Midii ran up and dragged him, still alive, away from the dance floor. Heero cowered beneath the table.

On the other side of the dance floor, Quatre opened his eyes from kissing Dorothy. He saw Midii dragging Trowa away. He dropped a limp Dorothy to the floor with a gasp. "Trowa! My love! I'll save you!" Forgetting Dorothy completely, he dashed across the hall.

However, as he approached the scene, he saw Relena standing there alone. He paused, feeling her sadness and loneliness. The Quatre sensitivity meter went off the scale, and he zoomed in on the princess. He hugged her. "I..." he paused for effect, "am Quatre Raberba Winner," making sure to pronounce every last syllable very slowly and precisely.

"And I," Relena said, pausing to step away for a moment to look very important, "am Relena Darlian Peacecraft." Trumpets sounded off behind her. She fell into Quatre's arms. "Quatre, you're so kind to me."

Quatre held her close. "It's a space heart thing."

"You're the closest thing to normal among the gundam pilots, aren't you, Quatre?" Relena whispered. "Discounting your tendency to blow up entire colonies when you have the rare mental breakdown..."

"I guess so." He stroked Relena's arms. "Relena, I've just realized...we're made for each other, aren't we? We're both pacifists, we both have a thing for pink, we both have crushes on the quiet, psycho type, we're both rich, beautiful, and like to say our names like we know how important we are. And people are constantly following us around to kiss up to us. Your school groupies, and my Magaunac Corps." Quatre gazed into her eyes with a loving sincerity. "Relena...can you play the flute?"

"Why do you ask?"

"Guys that can play the flute really turn me on..." Quatre whispered. Relena went limp as he pulled her tighter against him and kissed her fiercely. They didn't notice the chain reaction of explosions that went off around them, barely missing them. Nor Heero's subsequent cursing spree.

Out in the garden, Trowa was fine again. And he was scaring everyone in the area by making very loud noises. However, no one could find him or Midii, and no one wanted to check the shaking bushes. It was the one with Duo's underwear still decorating it. Now it had various other items around it, including a green turtleneck that looked suspiciously like Trowa's and a strange pair of lacey black underwear with 'Midii the Unecola' stitched into it in red. A frantic Duo ran past it without looking, a horde of screaming fangirls chasing after him.

Ignoring all this, Wufei came crawling back into the party hall. As he did, Heero finally managed to knock Quatre over with a nerf football. The zero one pilot began doing a victory dance.

Seeing Wufei on the floor, Relena gasped and ran over to help him. She forgot all about Quatre crying on the floor. As Wufei steadied himself, he found himself looking into Relena's eyes. Relena looked back.

"Uh..." Wufei stuttered. "Might as well get this over with..." He quickly moved forward and kissed her. They both continued to stare at each other in confusion. The author laughed evilly. They might have still been staring at each other, but suddenly Treize seized Wufei from behind and whirled him around.

In one hand Treize held a fencing sword, and in the other, he had a small booklet labeled 'How to stab someone and make them fall madly in love with you,' by Dorothy Catalonia. He smirked and pointed the sword at Wufei. "Let us duel!"

"I'll kill you Treize!" Wufei snapped, whipping out his own sword. "Again!" Then he noticed that look in Treize's eye. 'Wait,' he thought, 'that's just how he looked in that one fic...' Tires screeched to a halt in his mind, and his eyes widened. He pointed past the red head's shoulder. "Look Treize! Zechs isn't wearing any underpants!"

"What!? Where!?" Treize whirled around with a pair of opera glasses. He scanned the crowd. "I don't see him!"

Wufei took the opportunity to run like hell.

At this point, it was getting dark outside, and most of the party guests were finally leaving. The disco ball was taken down, and the Preventers dragged off most of the Magaunac men for indecent exposure. They all blamed a braided boy, but the scapegoat wasn't anywhere in sight.

Outside in the garden, Quatre searched for his beloved. "Trooowaaa!" He called out. "Where are you, Trowa?" He'd remembered that Trowa had been in trouble after he recovered from his nerf football accident. He finally found Trowa nude and dazed in the bushes. Quatre gasped. "Trowa! Oh Allah! What did she do to you!?" He looked around, but could find no sign of Midii.

To his horror, Trowa began to giggle like schoolgirl.

With a shrug, Quatre decided to make the best out of the situation. He jumped into the bushes and kissed Trowa deeply. Before long, a pink shirt joined the green turtleneck, and the bushes started shaking again. Then Trowa's hand popped out of the greenery with a boombox. He pressed buttons wildly. He paused for a moment on track 28, then he punched the buttons again. Suddenly Rhythm Emotion started blaring, and Trowa withdrew his arm into the bushes.

"Where...where's that music comin' from?" Duo mumbled from the nearly deserted dance floor. He lay on his back, his braid completely undone and his clothing, what was left of it, ripped to shreds. The fangirls had not been merciful that day. He frowned. "Music always plays...when we're fightin' an' stuff...I never figured out whose mobile suit's got tha boombox... Professor G never gave me no CD player option for Deathscythe...just that stupid toaster that catches fire..." He moaned as he tried to move his head. He blinked as a slender figure appeared above him.

"Duo, Duo, Duo...can't you stay out of trouble for a few hours without me?" Hilde sighed. "Let's go home now." She pulled him up and dragged him away.

On the other side of the dance floor, Heero finally moved out from behind his table and approached Relena. It was now or never. When he stopped in front of her, Relena smiled. Heero broke out in a sweat. He looked as calm as always, but he was a nervous wreck. So he said the first thing that came to mind.

"I'll kill you." Heero winced internally. 'D'oh!!!'

Relena smiled widely and blushed. "Heero, you always say the sweetest things..."

"Uh..." Heero's eye twitched slightly. "Life sucks."

"Oh Heero! You've finally opened up to me! I love you too!" With that, Relena threw her arms around him and kissed him passionately.

Heero broke out in a stupid grin. He started kissing her back, then picked her up and ran off into Quatre's mansion. He ran into the nearest bedroom, the one he had deserted earlier, and tossed her onto the bed. They started making out wildly.

However, on the desktop, his laptop began flashing colors and beeping. When Heero responded by tossing Relena's bra at it, the computer began to weep piteously. At this, Relena stuck her hand into Heero's spandex, and pulled out... his handy dandy semiautomatic. Without turning away from Heero, she aimed the gun at the laptop and blew it away.

The laptop sparkled and died while Heero and Relena continued to make love with music filtering in from somewhere outside the window far below...

Rhythm emotion...

Meanwhile, Hilde and Duo went back home to L2, where they made out on the couch for the umpteenth time. But when she discovered Duo was wearing Heero's underwear, she stopped kissing him and ran off to her room crying.

Duo sat on the couch pouting. "Life sucks!"

Back on Earth, Dorothy was searching out in the garden for Quatre. She finally found him, nude and dazed in the bushes. Oh, and Trowa was there too. She put her hands to her face in horror. "Oh, Quatre, how could you!? I love you!"

Quatre blinked in confusion. "Huh? I thought you hated me?"

"What!?" Trowa looked between Quatre and Dorothy. "You've been cheating on me Quatre!??"

"Err..." Quatre sighed. "Well, I'm glad this happened. Because I have something to tell both of you."

Dorothy and Trowa just glared at each other.

"You see," Quatre continued, "I love you both. And since I'm way too cute for just one person, you're going to have to share me. That's fair...isn't it?" He smiled his most adorable smile. It was so sugary, it was enough to make ones teeth hurt.

Dorothy and Trowa blinked in shock.

Then Trowa slowly dressed himself. Once he'd done that, he stepped out of the bushes. Then he bowed gracefully and extended his arm towards Dorothy. "Dorothy, I am Trowa. Would you care to spend this night with me?"

Dorothy took his arm with a smile. "I'd love to." With that, Dorothy and Trowa walked off arm in arm.

Quatre boggled after them. "Hey! What about meee!?"

Trowa and Dorothy glanced unemotionally back at him. "What about you?" Dorothy said. "Thanks for the party. Good evening."

"Trowa!" Quatre cried.

"..." Trowa blinked.

Then Dorothy and Trowa left together. Quatre was all alone in the bushes. "Life sucks," he mumbled.

Back on L2, Hilde was asleep in bed. That's when she heard Duo kicking the other side of the wall. She frowned with her eyes closed, hoping he'd stop in a minute. When he didn't, and started making weird noises, she opened her bloodshot eyes angrily. Not even a pillow and a blanket over the head could block out the racket.

"Duooo!!!" She shouted. Then she kicked off the covers and stomped out of bed. Down the hall she went and pounded her fist on the door to Duo's bedroom. "SHUTUP!!!"

Inside, Duo quickly stopped kicking the wall and tossed all the drums, pots and pans beneath his bed. Then he jumped under the bed covers and started to snore extra loud.

Hilde kicked down the door. Seething, she stomped over to Duo's bed. "What the hell is it this time!?" Not that she didn't know, but she really wished Duo had better ways of letting her know he was lonely.

Duo opened one eye and whimpered. "Nightmares. Real bad ones."

"Tell me about it," Hilde sighed, rolling her eyes.

"Uh...the usual. Solo...Sister Helen....Father Maxwell...my past...destruction... death..." He covered his face in grief. "The inhumane noogies...the flying nun imitations...the funny black alter server dress...my parents were really Jehova Witnesses that thought I was the antichrist...whoops, too much information..." Duo broke down in overly dramatic sobbing. "Hilde...I love you...and...and ...only you can make my pain go away....only you can drive away these nightmares..."

Her hand to her face, Hilde shook her head in true disbelief. "Uh...how, Duo." She mumbled the familiar line.

Suddenly he grabbed her and flipped her onto the bed. Hilde wasn't the least bit shocked, and Duo covered her with his body, kissing her lovingly. He broke away breathless and smiled down at her with raised eyebrows, turning on the infamous Duo charm. "Give me some sugar, baby!"

Hilde grinned. She just couldn't resist Duo. Putting her arms around him, she drew him back down to her in another kiss. They proceeded to make love, and they thought they could hear music playing, coming from somewhere so far away...

Rhythm emotion...

In the dark, Quatre wandered down into the depths of his mansion crying his poor little space heart out. Wearing nothing but his pink boxer shorts, he turned around and looked up. With a sniffle, he wiped his tears away, and a small smile crossed his lips.

He threw his arms out and hugged a giant metal leg. "My dear Sandrock! I knew you'd always be there for me! I love you!"

A giant sweatdrop formed on the angel winged mecha.

Elsewhere, Wufei grinned wildly. He was surrounded by adoring fangirls, doting on him and fulfilling his every whim. As they all giggled, he lifted one finger and spoke...

"Life sucks!"